Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Day One: No More Rear View Mirrors


Day 1: Buy yourself flowers, make a beautiful bouquet

Here we are, day one of Sarah Jenks Live More Challenge and I'm trying to jump into this head first. It's been two years since I've written. Two years of stagnation and just an overwhelming feeling of not having any control of my life and my purpose. I saw the link on Facebook and thanked the universe for sending me such a clear message to join. Things seem to come when you really need them most and I'm now trying to keep my eyes wide open. 

Is it fate that it's come right close to my two year anniversary of my life falling to shreds around me? Hmm. I think not. I've been battered and I've been bruised and it's now time to start cutting the ties and finding 'Me' again. 

How is it so easy to lose yourself? Who you are? I have this spirit inside of me that doesn't match the current body it is in or the current outlook on life of that body. We get so caught up in our jobs, our children and such and start to simply identify as so and so's Mom etc. When are we just us? I've now been a medical Mom for over four years and so much of myself has been simply 'B's Mom' at the Alberta Children's Hospital. I've fought more battles in this role then I ever thought I could possibly find the strength to. I've worn more hats in this time as 'experts' on subjects that I never would have associated myself with years ago. 

I'm worn out. I'm torn down. Honestly? I'm just really bloody tired.

So Me. Where are you? How is it you became so entrenched in everyone else but your own identity?

Today's challenge was to go out and purchase flowers, arrange them and enjoy. I had a typical day in my life right now, a huge fight with my now ex husband as we are navigating this lovely 'separated' life. Needless to say it brings out a lovely amount of frustration in both of us. I felt so defeated and lost most of the day. It is so painful when only a few small words uttered can alter your entire day. It was a day that I only wanted to hide in bed after laying awake and crying most of the previous night (I may be bouncing through the grief cycle between despair and anger!). I did finally get some sleep in the early morning but then realized that the day needed to start. I'm still recovering from surgery (two in the past few months) so my blessed Mother got the big kids off to school.

The day itself passed, as it usually does with much to do and never enough time. I forgot about the challenge in the midst of my self pity and being 'Mom' when I realized that at 10 pm tonight I'd forgotten what I'd signed up for...ME. 

There was no time left to run out and buy flowers let alone arrange them. I was feeling more than a little annoyed that I'd already failed the first challenge when I looked up. I saw the gorgeous cutting off my rose bush that I purchased this year and realized that I did in fact have my flowers! It may not be following the challenge to a 't' but I think many things are open to interpretation right? I did in fact pick out the bush and purchase it for me. I bought it for the very reason in front of me, it's beauty. Roses always remind me of my Grandmother and they always bring a smile to my face. 

So here we are, already actually into day two by a few hours, but I did complete my first challenge. I took my first steps to becoming Me, to finding that woman inside that's been stuffed so far down that it may take all 30 days to find her. I'm feeling a sense of motivation and a sense of energy that I've not felt in a very long time.

Tomorrow is yet another day, another beginning. Butterflies have been showing up everywhere in my life lately. I'm taking it as a sign that this girl's cocoon is breaking open and maybe one day I will once again find that I am free. 

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