Sunday, June 12, 2016

Day 2 Love Thyself

Day #2 Challenge: Watch Sarah's First Video

In Sarah's first video she talked a lot about how we view our bodies and how we can get trapped in our 'body jails'. I have had a love/ hate relationship with my body for longer than I can remember. 

I remember starting to gain weight right around grade 5 (hormones anyone?), and I couldn't understand it. Was I active? Yes. Was I just a regular kid? Yes as well. I look back now and I'm certain that is when I started feeling so different. My sisters weren't gaining weight, why was I? 

It's never fun being the 'fat kid', in fact it is painful beyond belief. I wasn't able to put to words then what I felt but looking back now I think of how lonely I felt. I was surrounded by awesome friends but that didn't mean I felt whole.

I even went so far as to join a weight loss group with my Mom when I was in gr.6 and I can remember going to the doctor beforehand to talk about it and he weighed me...102 lbs. I was SO ashamed. I was over 100 lbs. The doctor told me to simply stop gaining weight and it would all even out...okay?? What the heck did that even mean?? The weight loss group focused on calories...what friggin 11 yr old wants to count calories???

My weight has fluctuated over the years and I always swore I'd get it under control...and then something would happen and I'd emotionally eat and the cycle would start again. Lose weight, not be able to cope, eat, gain, repeat.

Being a very emotionally driven person made it very hard at times to be able to cope. I am an emotional eater through and through. Emotional eating never once filled that void in me nor did it ever quiet that voice that LOVES to tell me that I'm never enough. I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not kind enough, yadda yadda! That's just it. I've never been enough...for myself. 

I always thought that if I were loved unconditionally then I'd be able to love myself. Nope. I did seize my life just over two years ago and started exercising and losing weight with the help of Isagenix. I loved the program and I found it easy to use. I felt the best about myself then I have in years...and then my life literally crashed and burned in front of me. The life I thought I had? It didn't exist. Betrayal and hurt consumed me and I immediately stopped loving myself. Why after almost a 50 lb weight loss the man that I loved with all my heart could hurt me so deeply was beyond my realm of thinking. If he couldn't even love me then how in the heck was I supposed to believe that I could love myself any longer. I.was.not.enough...

Do you know it has now taken me two years, TWO bloody years to finally get back to trying to find myself again? I put myself through two more years of torture, heartache and betrayal. Two more years of self loathing and pain. Two years until I finally figured out that, wait, I'm not the one with the problem, HE is. 

Sarah's video was inspiring to put it mildly. I can't say that I'm there yet as far as loving oneself would go but I'm sure as shit on my way!!!

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