Monday, June 13, 2016

Challenge Day 5: The Un's

Day 5 Challenge: 
Watch the Sarah's Next Video, Causes of Emotional Eating

This video got to me. Hard. I bawled and bawled. Sarah took a look deep within my soul and then proceeded to show it to me. 

The part that hit the hardest was when she urged us to go and nurture our romantic relationships. I was already crying and this just made me cry all the harder. I don't have a romantic relationship. For the first time in 16 years I'm standing alone. Just me. I don't know what my identity is. Who am I? Alone.

Unloved. Unwanted. Unworthy.

How could Sarah be so mean? She must know some of us are single. Doesn't she realize that I've just had my life and my heart ripped to shreds by the man that claimed to love me until death? Doesn't she know that it means I'm unlovable? That I'm destined to be alone. I'm never going to be enough?

The thing that hit me the hardest was when Sarah told us we needed to forgive ourselves. Forgive myself? For what? For never being enough? Pssht! We are supposed to do things now, stop waiting for the weight. Stop thinking we'll be so much happier if we just lose weight. We'll be more successful. We'll be more attractive. All things I've thought of time and time again. I hear her words and I know they are the truth but I don't want to have to believe them. How could I be happy now in this body? I'm not enough remember?

For further penance, I spent the afternoon in the company of the man that crushed me as I'm supposed to be cordial in my own home when he is present. That is NOT an easy task. He says things to cut me to the bone and he knows it. He's not been happy for 16 years. He's finally found happiness now that he's free of me, blah blah blah...I must truly be an awful and disgusting person. 

I finally got the brains to pull myself free and went with my Mom to tackle challenge 6 since I was behind on my challenges. 

After putting the kids to bed tonight I knew I needed to breathe. I've come to crave my alone time when I am putting my feet to the pavement. The rhythm of walking is contagious. I put on my runners and took off down the path. 

Terrible negative thoughts crowding in my head. Around and around about how Unlovable I am. Unwanted. Ugly. Unworthy.

Slowly as I got further along Sarah's voice crept into my head. Forgiveness. Forgive myself. I started to cry, tears streaming down my face as I walked harder and harder. Love myself. Forgive myself. Such hard challenges to do.

I realized the truth behind it all. I needed to forgive myself for the past two years. Two wasted years that I could have been finding me. Two years with a man that never had my best interests in mind, never. Two more years when I could have, and definitely should have, ended it at 14 years, not 16. I forgave myself for being a 'fixer', for trying to mend a marriage that was beyond broken to begin with. I forgave myself for those wasted two years. I forgave myself for trying. I tried and I failed. Or did I? Wasn't I on my way to happiness? Wasn't I on my way to finding me for the first time in 16 years?

The further I walked the more I talked in my head about forgiveness. I started repeating over and over in my head, 'I forgive you' and 'I forgive you for...'. I felt lighter, I felt a sense of calmness come over me and I finally whispered out loud, 'I forgive you'. I realized that I tried everything that I could to make my marriage work. I tried to save my family. I tried to save my kids from a broken home. But not once did I think of trying to save myself. How could I not have thought of what this was doing to me? How it was shaping me and draining me. I knew in my head that it was slowly killing me. I knew that I was with a man that I had no trust in. I knew that I was in a situation that was unhealthy. But not once did I think of trying to save myself. Put everyone else first. Help everyone else. Believe over and over again I'd find that man that I lost two years ago. 

Save. Myself. Save Myself. 

Part of me finally was able to let go tonight. It wasn't easy but it was rewarding. One step after another. Forward. To Me.

I choose Me. 

I will save Me. 

Most of all, I forgive Me.

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