I woke up today feeling awful. Not sick, just awful. I didn't want to get out of bed, I wanted to hide away and just be. I'm not sure what happened between going to bed the night before on my lipstick high to then but that's how I awoke. This roller coaster of emotions I'm on is hell. I realize that I have to go through all of the stages of grief for a life that I thought I had but it still sucks. I get bounced back and forth between anger (oh how I'm angry) and despair sometimes within a matter of minutes.
My fellow Challenge sisters urged me to get going and put the red lippy (as my British friends say), back on but I just couldn't do it. Who was I to think that I could possibly be attractive? Who was I to think that I could ever be wanted for myself? Who was I to think that I'd ever find happiness in myself if I couldn't find happiness in the world around me? Why would anyone want me??
My whole day dragged. I spent a lovely day pretty much full of self hatred. It was capped off by yet another day of anger filled texts back and forth with my ex husband. I was more angry with myself for letting him get to me. Again. And. Again.Who knows your weakest most vulnerable spots other than your ex? Nobody.
I need a pedicure something awful but I just can't justify the expense so I looked over the foot stuff but nope, didn't do it for me. Too much damn work. I did however find some wonderful lavender bath salts and was happy with that find.
The reality of this challenge day was that I really don't know how to care for myself anymore. I'm so used to caring for others that to tend to myself is foreign to me. I need to not only find myself but I also need to figure out what makes me happy. I'm so used to pleasing others that I don't even know what I like anymore. It saddens me. I'm used to my role as a caregiver and I'm comfortable in that role. Taking care of me? It feels selfish and awkward which is really ridiculous.
Hello me, I'm here to take care of you from now on. No one else is going to do it so you better get used to it!
Good book? Check.
Bath salts? Check.
Okay folks, I'm going in. Wish me luck!
Okay Sarah Jenks! Message received painfully loud and clear!!